Thick Skin
09/24/13 23:19
We were all there for a reason
Mostly, to be kids
But also set apart,
Because we were different
Because we believed in God
Or at least our parents did and made us go
And I felt alone, even there
But still more a part of something
Than anywhere else in my world
And in between the games
And the corner romances for the lucky ones
There were hymns to lose myself in
And prayers to something mightier than myself
And calls to serve the world in God's name
One night, they showed a film
That tried to explain hunger to us well-fed youths
And there I learned that 10 million children
Died every year before the age of five
Those were the days of wristwatch calculators
And I did my calculations
And later, when we were asked what we thought
The room was silent
Until I raised my hand
And solemnly announced that over 1000 children
Had died in the hour since we'd watched the film
At which point all my young brothers and sisters in Christ
Laughed at me
I felt like they hadn't processed what I'd said
So I told them 19 children
Had died in the last 60 seconds
And most of them had starved to death
And this was followed by still more laughter
I know now that they were just being kids
I know now that they were laughing at me
At the nerd who had pulled out his calculator
And not at the daily death toll of 27000 children under 5
But it didn't matter
And it doesn't
They poisoned God that day
And it wasn't until years later that I knew it
I stopped believing in Him sometime after college
Less, I think, because He made no sense
And more because so many his followers were hypocrites
Myself as much as anyone
I too had heard the cry of 10 million dead children
And I had done nothing
I had not given up all I possessed to go and save them
I had not given a dollar a day to feed a starving child
I had not volunteered at a soup kitchen
I had not even donated to a canned goods drive
And I was, and am, ashamed
But at least, I could console myself
At least I had not laughed
And two months ago, a homeless man
Set up shop behind my office
Right behind the dumpster
An open air living room
Complete with a carpet, cushions, and a chair
We asked him to leave
He did not
We called the cops
They didn't move him
From our second floor window we watched
As he slept in the day,
So thin
The kind of thin you get by not eating for days
And then one day, a sharp, sudden summer rain came down
And I drily pointed out the man
Lying in the rain,
Rolled up in a heavy sheet of plastic
Motionless in the deluge
And the moment I said it
I realized in a way I had not before
How far I had come from who I was
And I no longer believe that a God looks down
To judge me for my callousness
But somehow, that just makes it worse
As the room looked down
And laughed
Mostly, to be kids
But also set apart,
Because we were different
Because we believed in God
Or at least our parents did and made us go
And I felt alone, even there
But still more a part of something
Than anywhere else in my world
And in between the games
And the corner romances for the lucky ones
There were hymns to lose myself in
And prayers to something mightier than myself
And calls to serve the world in God's name
One night, they showed a film
That tried to explain hunger to us well-fed youths
And there I learned that 10 million children
Died every year before the age of five
Those were the days of wristwatch calculators
And I did my calculations
And later, when we were asked what we thought
The room was silent
Until I raised my hand
And solemnly announced that over 1000 children
Had died in the hour since we'd watched the film
At which point all my young brothers and sisters in Christ
Laughed at me
I felt like they hadn't processed what I'd said
So I told them 19 children
Had died in the last 60 seconds
And most of them had starved to death
And this was followed by still more laughter
I know now that they were just being kids
I know now that they were laughing at me
At the nerd who had pulled out his calculator
And not at the daily death toll of 27000 children under 5
But it didn't matter
And it doesn't
They poisoned God that day
And it wasn't until years later that I knew it
I stopped believing in Him sometime after college
Less, I think, because He made no sense
And more because so many his followers were hypocrites
Myself as much as anyone
I too had heard the cry of 10 million dead children
And I had done nothing
I had not given up all I possessed to go and save them
I had not given a dollar a day to feed a starving child
I had not volunteered at a soup kitchen
I had not even donated to a canned goods drive
And I was, and am, ashamed
But at least, I could console myself
At least I had not laughed
And two months ago, a homeless man
Set up shop behind my office
Right behind the dumpster
An open air living room
Complete with a carpet, cushions, and a chair
We asked him to leave
He did not
We called the cops
They didn't move him
From our second floor window we watched
As he slept in the day,
So thin
The kind of thin you get by not eating for days
And then one day, a sharp, sudden summer rain came down
And I drily pointed out the man
Lying in the rain,
Rolled up in a heavy sheet of plastic
Motionless in the deluge
And the moment I said it
I realized in a way I had not before
How far I had come from who I was
And I no longer believe that a God looks down
To judge me for my callousness
But somehow, that just makes it worse
As the room looked down
And laughed