I forgave you your eccentricities
Your burning need to point out everything pug-related,
Everywhere, at all times,
Randomly crying out "Pug!"
Dropping constant hints that we should get one
Even though we weren't living together.
And the OCD tics you didn't tell me about
Until 2 years into the relationship
The bricks you counted, the hand washing
I forgave you for not telling me
Because they were harmless.
I forgave you for wanting to get married
For having a 3 year time limit
Starting at our 3rd date
In spite of me not being ready
For proposing to me twice
In spite of all the reasons not to
I forgave you
Because I wasn't ready to be alone again, either
Because before you, alone was all I'd known
And I was scared to go back
I forgave you for your moods
Your anger
The way you could be so sullen
And angry at everything
That you seemed to hate or fear
Every friend I tried to make
And several members of my family
Who had shown you nothing but kindness
Yours was not an easy life
And anyone with family like yours
Could be excused for such distrust and fury
And you never seemed to catch a break
So I let it wash over me
And everything in my life
And bore it as best I could
And the slow separation from a life that was not you
Because you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
I forgave you for the headaches, and the asthma,
For your need to have me there
When I had to be somewhere else,
When I could do nothing
For the fact that you wept and panicked if I had to leave
Because it was your body, and you were scared,
And it wasn't your fault
I forgave you the anorexia
Because you fought it
And choked down food
Even when it made you cry.
I forgave you for not seeking help
For refusing to be diagnosed bipolar
Because I knew you were poor
And I wasn't exactly Mr Stability either
So I didn't want to throw stones
In that particular glass house
I forgave you for drinking every drop of alcohol in my house
While I was out one night
Passing out on my sofa
Vomiting all over my floor
Then refusing to go to the hospital
And lolling back in my arms,
Weeping and laughing,
But mostly weeping
Slurring out with a smile that you were sorry
So sorry
Telling me that you were bad,
And that I was good
I forgave you that
Cleaned you up
Carried you to the bed
Tucked you in
And emptied all the alcohol in my house
And forgave you
Because I should have known better by that point
So it was my own fault, really
And you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
And when my grandmother was dying,
And I begged you, on my birthday,
To please lend me the car to go and see her,
And you first calmly told me
That I'd seen her yesterday
And we could see her the next day,
But not today because we had somewhere to be
That there wasn't enough time
And then you screamed when I resisted
That I was ruining your plans
And I said okay
And I let you drive me north instead of south,
And sat politely smiling in the house of your grandparents
Eating the surprise birthday ice cream cake,
While my grandmother struggled
To breathe through the lung cancer that was killing her
Alone in a hospital bed 50 miles in the other direction
And I told you I forgave you
But I lied
I lied
No forgiveness
Not for you
And not for myself
And later when you made out with someone else at a party
The cheating was just an excuse I needed
For breaking up with you
Because I hated what you had done
For stealing one last birthday wish from my grandma
And I told myself I would never forgive you
Not when you called me asking to come back
Saying you'd been diagnosed bipolar
And that you were having surgery to remove a tumor
And you were scared
And you wanted me there
I did not forgive you, muttered that I was sorry,
And hung up the phone
I did not forgive you
When your creditors came calling me
Asking if I knew where you were
And I didn't
But I think I would have told them if I had
And time and distance calmed me down
And made me feel less
But when one day I searched for your name out of boredom
And found out you were dead
That you had died just weeks before
That you had taken pills
When I lied to your landlord on the phone
About who I was
And let her tell me of your life
Of how you had gotten engaged
And were left at the altar
And how she loved you like a granddaughter
And now she missed you every day
Then, and only then, far too late
I could forgive you
But I'm not forgiven
And even though I know
That leaving was the right thing
The only thing I could do
I can't help but wonder
What would have happened if I was there?