Survivor's Guilt
01/14/14 23:06
I'm the only one left, now
I am the sole keeper of our secrets
Of these pieces of your memory
That were for you and me alone
I hold you in my mind
Like an inconvenient scrapbook
Like an old awkward photo album
Like the curator for the world's loneliest museum
And I guess that means I'm free to do what I like
I could air all our dirty laundry
Spill all the sordid moments
I could tell monstrous lies
And hateful half-truths
I could stand in front of a crowd and call you a bitch
And no one would gainsay me
Because I am the only one left who knows
But the one thing I can't do is throw these things out
Not that I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if I didn't find it impossible to throw anything away
Even the most useless scraps of paper
I couldn't empty out that particular mental storage crate
Because those brain cells are now spoken for
Hardwired
Dedicated
To the task of preserving those moments
When you smiled
When you were in the hospital
When you screamed at me
When I held you
When I left
And I feel like they should mean something
Not just to me, but to the world
And I can't forget them because I am the only one left
And someone someday might ask me about you
About us
About what happened
And what didn't
About you
As I knew you
From ages 23 to 26
A chapter in your never-written biography
The missing chapter I swore to never publish
While you could be hurt by it
But now you're beyond hurting
And there's nobody else left
Who would understand
Or who wants to hear
I am the sole keeper of our secrets
Of these pieces of your memory
That were for you and me alone
I hold you in my mind
Like an inconvenient scrapbook
Like an old awkward photo album
Like the curator for the world's loneliest museum
And I guess that means I'm free to do what I like
I could air all our dirty laundry
Spill all the sordid moments
I could tell monstrous lies
And hateful half-truths
I could stand in front of a crowd and call you a bitch
And no one would gainsay me
Because I am the only one left who knows
But the one thing I can't do is throw these things out
Not that I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if I didn't find it impossible to throw anything away
Even the most useless scraps of paper
I couldn't empty out that particular mental storage crate
Because those brain cells are now spoken for
Hardwired
Dedicated
To the task of preserving those moments
When you smiled
When you were in the hospital
When you screamed at me
When I held you
When I left
And I feel like they should mean something
Not just to me, but to the world
And I can't forget them because I am the only one left
And someone someday might ask me about you
About us
About what happened
And what didn't
About you
As I knew you
From ages 23 to 26
A chapter in your never-written biography
The missing chapter I swore to never publish
While you could be hurt by it
But now you're beyond hurting
And there's nobody else left
Who would understand
Or who wants to hear