She had a proposition for me
I had no answer
I could only shiver
And she asked me where I was cold
I said the answer to that question was yes
And then her hand was on my chest
And her smell was in my nose
And her breath was in my ear
And her words were in my mind
And her head was on my shoulder
And my hand was on her knee
And I was going to be sick
I was going to be sick
And I hated myself
Because I knew what I should do
With the clarity of a comic book
But I was frozen like a statue
Like a deer caught in headlights
Because no one would be hurt
Because no one would have cared
Because no one had to know
Were the words she had said
Were the only words in my head
And all the voices screaming NO
Had cotton rags stuffed down their throats
And it was all that they could do
To keep my arms locked where they were
To keep my face forward, out of reach
And to avoid her eyes
Avoid her eyes
Because then she'd have me
And then I'd lean down
And make promises that I couldn't keep
Even though she didn't ask for promises
Because I knew we were too different
I knew that we were not soul mates
Even though she wasn't looking for that
And frankly neither was I
But casual was never a word
In my vocabulary
Because that's what Jesus taught me
Or at least that's what my teachers said
And though I forgot His other lessons
Somehow that one stuck
And now a thousand times over
I am going to hell in my mind
And now I smell the beer on her breath
And now I see that she sways as she smiles
And it's black and white what I should do
But I have had a few, too
And it's all I can do to just do nothing
But sit and breathe like a bellows
As my eyes lock shut
As she strokes my chest
And whispers husky thoughts
Because I cannot remember
The last time someone touched me
And when, God be praised
Her friend bursts out of the door
And tells her they are going home
Because it's late, and cold
She slinks around me as she rises
And breathes in my ear
That she will see me later
And I am so afraid
So afraid of what is to come