You're there, still, in my head
In real life we never speak now
And that's probably for the best
But there's still a piece of you up here
You and all the rest
Normally I think of the painful moments
Where it went wrong
Or when I made a fool of myself
But sometimes, just for a second or two,
When my eyes are shut tight against my own thoughts
When I wish I could stop thinking altogether,
As a last desperate act, my imagination takes hold
And I feel a body ease down beside me
Hear the rustle of fabric, the creak of leather
And I open my eyes and you are there
Staring at me sidelong
Silently smirking, a question on your eyebrows
Seeming to say "What are you doing?"
And in that moment, just as my chest releases fractionally
Enough to let out a soft, self-conscious chuckle
As I try to stop looking pathetic for your sake
In that moment you are gone again
I wish you'd leave me alone sometimes
I'd let go of you if I could
You, and all the others,
Tiptoeing around my mind
Popping into my field of vision when least convenient
But most wanted
When I least want to remember loving you
With your gentle smiles
And your fond embraces
And never any words
Because I remember the words too well
The real ones
And they will always stay buried
When I'm busy lying to myself