I ran into your mother the other day
I was shopping for groceries, rounded a corner
And there she was.
Greyer than I remembered
Of course she would be
I pretended I had not seen her
And it had been so long
And I had changed so much
That I was sure she would not know me
But your sister was with her,
And though I can't ever remember
Exchanging more than five words with her
And she had aged beyond my ability to recognize her
She saw me as they approached the checkout lane
Knew who I was, and pointed me out to your mom
She tapped me on the shoulder with a smile
While I was examining the bourbon shelf
Asked whether I remembered her
Which of course, I did
And asked about me, about my mother
We caught up as much as one can
In three minutes time in a grocery aisle
She seemed well
I hope you'd be glad to know that
Cheerful, even
And I tried to be cheerful as well
But there's only so much I could say
Because the entire time I spoke to her
I couldn't help but superimpose your face
And look for your features there
You never did look much like your mom,
Except, maybe, in the eyes
And the smile
You are always smiling in my memory
I literally can't recall a single instance
Where you seemed to take life seriously
And I wondered if you'd have grown into her long features
If you hadn't taken a step forward into the lights
And turned them out
And now, as I sit waiting for an hour stuck on the train
Because someone else took your path
I find myself feeling, in a way, that I should thank you
There are times when I have been low
And wishing for some kind of release
And maybe it's just my way
Of trying to find some thin tin foil lining
To that pitch black thunderhead
That is your memory
But even putting aside all the other reasons
The mental image of the scene
Of seeing that church filled with red eyes
The sting of how I felt, how everyone felt
The uncertainty you gave me over what comes next
Has kept me from even considering an exit